I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Terrible idea I love it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
