EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
