i don't like sucking hair
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
