why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
