Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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