Your dad touched me again.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
