i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
