I wish my penis had an off switch
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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