Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I need water and some morals
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
