Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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