so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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