im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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