I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
