apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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