He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
