I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
