just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
