i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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