i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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