Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
