I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
