I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
