What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
