Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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