you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I need a burrito and a hug.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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