Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Randomize
