im six kinds of drunk right now
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
