I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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