a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
organizing the empties. That sober.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
