just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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