sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
