it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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