i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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