I got chris browned last night
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
