giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
