My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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