I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
