I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
