So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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