you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
