This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
