I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
