you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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