It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
