I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
