Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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