1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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