At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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