I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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