I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
