My liver just broke up with me...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
