What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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